Stranger Than Fiction

This post is not about a Will Ferrell movie. Although I liked that movie.

Okay, so today I'm dedicating this blog to a very rare medical condition that some of you may have heard me refer to in the past. Now, to clear this up, I do not sit around checking out WebMD. I have better things to do with my time... like...blog... and...er...other stuff. But that's beside the point. The point is that I lived with a medical student for 2 1/2 years, and we had "Disease of the Day." As a result, she may have been one of the top 3 contributors to the store of useless, and often alarming, knowledge in my brain.

What is this exotic ailment? Alien Hand Syndrome. I am serious. There is no more "scientific" name for this phenomenon. It is, however, sometimes referred to as "Alien Arm" or even "Dr. Strangelove Syndrome." This extraordinary condition is very rare (as in, about 50 documented cases since it was officially recognized by the medical community in the 1970s), and it is very very weird. Actually, it has been portrayed in movies and tv shows more times than the number of actual documented cases.

So what happens? It's pretty self-explanatory, actually. It's a condition where your brain gives direction to your arm to move, but it doesn't take direction from the other lobes about how and when to move. The arm's trigger is detached from your intent, or you might say, alien. Ahhh. [the light bulbs go off] So, you may grab a glass of water without knowing you are doing it. Or, in one or two cases, people have felt their arms creeping up to choke them. That is creepy and weird.

From one unnamed source (in other words, I can't specifically back it up), I have heard tell of an even less common version; in this turn of events, the alien arm will undo everything your non-alien arm does. For instance, if you try to open a door, the alien arm will close it. How rude.

Up till now, the medical community has been surprisingly lackadaisical about this condition. They apparently are more interested in curing cancer than curing alien arm. Since it doesn't actually "do any real bodily harm" they haven't put much into finding a cure. Instead, they advise victims to keep something in their hand to keep it busy. Now, I feel I must take offense on behalf of all the hapless victims of Alien Arm Syndrome out there. Solidarity, humans!

I do have to think, however, that it would be somewhat of a highlight for doctors getting to diagnose this syndrome. Can you imagine how awesome it would be to say, with your best sympathetic frown-smile, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but you have... alien arm. [stifled laughter that rises until Dr. Jones runs out into the hall, guffaws, and invites all his buddies to "come see this."]"