And For My More Unruly Readers

I know you've all missed my HOW TO's since I took my holidays. Up till now, we've covered culinary arts, decorative arts, and horticulture, so today I thought I would focus on an area that I have become somewhat of an expert in (I mean, "someone I know" has become the expert. Whew, close one)- government. Today, I would like to teach you how to...

take over a country.

I cite as my primary sources of information on the subject

1) Neil Zawacki

2) my brain

3) Branjelina

Step 1:

If you're looking to take over a country, or even a small city or state, you're going to need a really cool name. See #3 source. If you need some guidance for picking your malevolent / benevolent dictator/revered demigod name, then my advice is to think big, but not too big. For instance, Lady Ironheart is good. It's direct and to the point but doesn't sound ridiculous like Master Devil Maggot. Remember, good taste is important, and you want to choose a name you can live up to.

Step 2:

Once you have a name for your minions/citizens/adoring fans to call you, you need a plan. A good plan. A foolproof plan, especially important, because if you are working with someone else, he/she is probably a fool. Remember, there's only room for one at the top. That said, you probably will have to depend on some poor lurch to get you there, so make sure you pick a good flunky/sidekick. Some good options are: robot warriors, dependent cousins, ninjas, and computer programmers. Some options to steer clear of include: armies of the undead (too messy), demented clowns (too creepy), and moms (too bossy). Really though, if you can come up with a plan that eliminates the middle-man altogether, that is best.

Step 3:

About the plan. There are sooooooo many ways these things can go wrong, so you need to cover your bases. Some things to consider: length of time to execute your takeover, all personnel, all backup personnel, transportation (could be a gondola, could be teleportation, be creative!), tools (some essentials for any good plan: deathrays, bobby pins, pliers, chia pets, etc.). This is just a bare minimum, you understand. Before all else, you must be thourough!

Step 4:

In executing your plan, know that things will change. However perfect you are, people are capricious, and natural disasters sometimes happen. Be flexible but firm. Don't show any sign of weakness. Weakness is lame. If a mistake occurs (not something I know from personal experience, btw) then know who to blame. Pointing fingers deflects negative attention away from you and makes everyone see that you are powerful.

Step 5:

Once you have taken over the country/state/city/high school, you need to do a little marketing. Sometimes there are those who would challenge your authority. Make sure everyone knows that this is not an option. Again, be creative. Even consider using a little kindness, in front of cameras of course. Like Oprah. If you do it right, no one, that's correct, NO ONE will challenge you ever again.

So, there you have it folks. Remember NASPEM- name, sidekick, plan, execute, marketing. Do this, and you will have a clear path to the top.

Happy plotting, er, planning.