Our Very Own Boo Radley

The Deseret News reported, "Marty Bone will be sleeping alone."

Every neighborhood needs a Boo Radley. Childhood isn't complete without daring your friends to go past (or into) the scary house on the corner, and the subsequent terror of running for your life, looking back to see whether or not you got caught.

In our neighborhood, it was the snake man. This man had lots of different snakes, but his favorite was an 18-foot-long Burmese python named Julius Squeezer. Marty Bone's amazing python (who apparently slept with him... I'll be up tonight thinking of all the different ways that is soooo wrong) lived to be 43 years old, a record in the python world. Normally, they live to be 20 or 30, and the previous world record for longevity was 33 years. Bone says that "the difference was all the love he gave to the snake."

His mother said, "Snakes are his life." Indeed, he's had snakes named Poly Grip, Alexander the Grip, and Annie Green Squeeze. He hollowed out one side of his couch so Julius (a female, oddly) could sit there with him. This is where he taught her to watch tv.

Bone used to take his snakes out to his front lawn to "exercise" them. Completely unexpectedly, (I am sure) Julius, who is longer than my NYC apartment, escaped...four times. I remember this vividly, as we were all terrified of running into her. Once she was found in my neighbor's back yard. She also escaped from the pound at least once. How did she do this? Well, she could open doors by draping her 220-lb body over the doorknob then slithering inside. Safe. Real safe. As if it isn't terrifying enough to be in the presence of a huuuuge python. Now it can open doors too.

Well, although Bone was charged with 3 Class B misdemeanors following some of Squeezer's antics, he insisted that she was never a danger to humans. He insisted, "Burmese pythons are real lovable. They have personalities and they bind one on one... You could see a smile on her face." Yes, the smile of knowing that you could run but couldn't hide. After all, she could open your door.

So, even though Julius Squeezer was a terrifying, nightmare-inducing neighborhood menace that we used to dare each other to touch, I do after all have to feel a little sorry for Marty Bone for losing his "main squeeze." And for the fact that the love of his life is a snake.

You Know You're In Boulder When...

I'm taking a 3:00 am break from the magical world of Saint-Saens's symphonic poems to share with you the reasons Boulder is awesome... or at least like being dropped inside a fitness magazine run by Joan Baez.

1. My friend Abby told me that the other day, when we had a good 14 inches of snow, she came out of her apartment at 9:00. None of the streets had been cleared yet. However, the bike path was cleared all the way down.
*That same day, I was driving home through the blizzard, and I saw this 60-something year old man on his bike, looking like nothing was wrong. I beg to differ. There is something very, very wrong.

2. My friend Kristy and I went to dinner about a week ago. We went to pull into a parking spot, and this is what we saw... Yep, unless you are fueling your car with canola oil, you cannot park in that spot. I must say, living here in Boulder is making me feel like a schmuck. It's pretty hard to feel like a good person around 65 year old men who are biking through blizzards just so that they can get to the nearest recycling center then go save some whales. Or penguins, or something.
Oh well. I'm going to go eat some meat now then drive to school so that I can sit around all day and never work out.

Weird Things I've Seen Lately

So, tonight I went out to eat with my friend, Kim. It was overall a pretty awesome meal. TMI alert: Afterwards, my friend went to use the loo. And this is what she found:

So weird. I mean, it's pretty generally accepted that women flock to bathrooms in groups, but this is just ridiculous. There cannot be any satisfactory explanation for this.

And here, on the right, we have the "Mooflower." Yep, that's a representation of the famous pilgrim ship growing out the back of a...cow. At Plimoth Plantation. For reals. But it has me thinking, what a wonderful world we live in that there is a Mooflower!

I Know What You Did Last Month...

Warning: this blog post is only for those over 11.

So, apparently I'm a horrible person. But at least I'm in good company... see, last month, I totally ruined a kid. At Disneyland. My sister-in-law and I were standing in the loooong line at the Indiana Jones ride, and we got to talking about how much we love the Magic Kingdom. She mentioned how sad she was the day that she figured out it wasn't really magic. I responded by saying, "Yeah, it's like figuring out your parents have been lying to you about Santa Claus." Well... although we thought we were being quiet, about 5 minutes into this conversation, I saw a VERY traumatized-looking 10 year old boy standing awfully close to us. Yep. Heard every word. My sis-in-law and I realized our mistake at the same time, and she wrapped things up by saying, "Well, at least Santa's real." A noble attempt, but the damage was definitely already done. So yeah, we shattered a kid's hopes and dreams about Santa and Disneyland... all on the same day. Whoops.