I Just Found Out There's No Such Thing as the Real World

A couple of years back, my high school sent an "alumni follow-up questionnaire" to assess how well (or poorly) I felt prepared by Olympus High School for the "real world." I did nothing about the form, but somehow it was magically filled out for me. Upon reading the answers, it was painfully clear that my oldest brother had taken the initiative. I'd like to share his answers with you today.

DIRECTIONS: Please read the following questionnaire and respond honestly. We want to improve our school's programs and we need your valuable input. Your help will be greatly appreciated. All information you provide will be kept confidential. Thank you.

PART I-The Preparation You Received at OHS
1. Did you feel adequately prepared by OHS in the following areas:
Language Arts__Not at all, Im fixin to learn soon
Math__Not really, 1+1=4?
Science__Not at all, I learned about gravity, but I don't like it
Social Studies_______

2. Did you feel adequately prepared by the Counseling/Guidance Department at OHS?
__Yes, definitely
**For the Most part
__Not really
__No, definitely not
Comments: My councilor never wanted to date me though :(

3. Did you ever visit the Career Center at OHS?
Career?

4. Did you feel adequately served by the Career Center and Career Planning Services at OHS?
Career?

5. When you left OHS, did you have the skills you needed for your post-high school job, training program, college, or military experience?
**For the most part
Comments: They wouldn't let me join the military. I'll make them pay!!!

6. What skills did you lack that OHS should have helped you develop?
I lack the ability to say no, and I lack small motor skills.

PART II--Your Experience When You First Left OHS
1. When you first left high school, what did you do? Check all that apply.
__Worked
__Job Training
__College/University
__Military
**Other- please specify: Sweat Shop Overlord--Cheap t-shirts!!! Call for rates!!!

2. WORKED. Name of Employer: Granite School District
Job Title: Lackey
Salary or Hourly Wage: Yes
Main Job Duties: Sycophant
How did you learn about the job? MySpace
What was the MAIN reason you took the job? Needed to find myself, and the peace corps wouldn't take me.

3. JOB TRAINING. Name and State of Program: Spammer/ State=Despicable
What kind of job were you being trained for? Supreme ruler of all we survey
Did you finish your program? I am still being trained.
If NO, why did you leave before finishing? Those rats wouldn't accept my dominance.
How did you learn about the program? Telepathy
What was the MAIN reason you entered the program? Want to rule the world.
How did you finance your training? Slave labor

4.COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY. Name and State of School: Ohio State
Major Subject Studied: Remedial English
Did you change your program while in school? Yes, several times
Did you finish? No
If NO, why did you leave before finishing? I wuz smart enough to play football.
How did you learn about the school? matchbox cover
What was the MAIN reason you entered the school? My parole officer said it would keep me out of a career in high school counciling.
How did you finance your schooling? Petty larceny
How would you rate the school in meeting your needs?
Poor, should have gone to Michigan

PART III--Your Current Work/Education Status
1. What are you doing now? Check all that apply.
**Working
**Job Training
**College/University
**Military-state branch: Kansas Navy
**Other-please specify: I beat up old people for money and wrestle kangaroos at Circus Circus.

2. WORKING. Name of Employer: Granite School District
Job Title: Peon
Salary or Hourly Wage: 1 thimble of rice per week
Main Job Duties: try to avoid the whip
How did you learn about the job? the voices in my head
What was the MAIN reason you took the job? hit rock bottom
Do you enjoy your job? Yes, definitely. I've been hit so many times I enjoy it now.
If you would rather be doing a different kind of work, what would that be? Lawyer

3. JOB TRAINING. Name and State of Program: Immigration "Specialist", Mexico
What kind of job are you being trained for? hopping border fences
How did you learn about the program? Tijuana weekend
What was the MAIN reason you entered the program? Lucrative kickbacks
How are you financing your training? blackmail
How would you rate your performance? Excellent
Do you enjoy the program?
Yes, definitely. Border guards are cruel, though.
How would you rate the program in meeting your needs? Excellent

4. COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY. Name and State of School: Olympus Jr. High School, UT
Major Subject: Drama Geek
Have you changed your major? No
How did you learn about the school? State law
What was the MAIN reason you entered the school? The 7-11 clerk told me to get out or he'd call the cops again.
How are you financing your schooling? Voter fraud
How would you rate your performance? OK
How would you rate the school in meeting your needs? OK

PART IV--Your Experiences at OHS
1. What courses or programs at OHS have helped you the most in your life after high school?
swirlies, hazing, gym

2. How did the courses or programs help you?
Fear is a great motivator.

3. If any programs were particularly helpful, what were they and how did they help?
I got REALLY good at loitering.

4. How could programs at OHS have been MORE helpful?
Fire the truancy officers.

PART V--Your Evaluation of Your OHS Experience
1. What was the MOST BENEFICIAL part of your experience at OHS?
Graduation

2. In what areas would you have liked MORE support?
I only needed more support in gym.

3. In your opinion, what do current OHS students need to know that will help them most in life after high school?
Life is hard, and you won't be able to compete with your state-sponsored education.

4. When you were attending OHS, did you give your best effort to succeed in school and prepare yourself for the future?
No, definitely not.
Comments: Attend?

5. Could OHS have done more to motivate and involve you in preparing for life after high school?
Yes, definitely.
Comments: shock therapy

6. If you could go back to your time at OHS, what (if anything) would you do differently to better prepare for life after high school?
If I could go back in time I would go to 1748, not high school! DUH. Maybe 1511... that was a good year too.

7. Please rate your overall experience at OHS in terms of how well that experience prepared you to succeed in life after high school.
Excellent. You've made me what I am. You completed me!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. Please use the enclosed envelope to return your completed questionnaire to OHS. Also, if you have an up-to-date resume, please enclose it with your questionnaire.

I kind of want to send it in.

Now I Know My ABC's

So, over Christmas, I was playing a game with the fam, and it turned... as it does so often... silly. But it got me thinking; children are our future, after all, and it's about time someone stepped up to educate them. And that person should (not) be me.

Since I've had this epiphany, I've put it into action. So prepare yourselves. I'm talking fuzzy slippers, roaring fire, and a mug of hot cocoa, because it's story time. Sit back and relax and read this fun and educational story I like to call...

Baby's First Political ABC's

A is for absolutism: the awesome exercise of complete and awesomely unrestricted power in government.
B is for Blagojevich: inspiring story really... you can be a total creep and still get a reality show, even if your political career goes down the tubes. Proof that it's good to keep your options open.
C is for California: lots of votes- keep in mind when choosing a spouse.
D is for Camp David: ka-ching!
E is for electoral college: though they say your vote counts...
F is for filibuster: worked for Mr. Smith, works for you. First rule of politics- you don't need to have anything to say. Just keep talking.
G is for gerrymandering: securing votes by changing electoral boundaries to your advantage.
H is for "Hiking the Appalachian Trail."
I is for impeachment: let us learn from Johnson and Clinton.
J is for juggernaut: a massive, inexorable force that seems to crush anything in its way.
K is for katie courick: she may seem innocent, but she has a dark side. Just ask Sarah Palin.
L is for lobbyist: morality is a tricky thing. So is taking favors.
M is for me: which is what politics are all about.
N is for North Korea and nuclear bombs.
O is for outlays: monetary expenditures. See "P."
P is for presidential perks: limo, airplane, helicopter, house, food, billiards, pools, parties, staff, protection, library, retirement... all this can be yours if the price is right.
Q is for quota: some things take precedence over being qualified.
R is for right wing: pick a side and stick to it, unless of course it becomes unpopular.
S is for speechifying: Can I get an Amen!?
T is for think tank- I always picture those guys with big foreheads.
U is for unaffiliated voter: the underdog's best friend.
V is for vice-president: because everybody needs a scapegoat.
W is for White House: Welcome to Pennsylvania Avenue. We've been expecting you.
X is for politics x: Danger, danger.
Y is for youth of America: they're our future. If only we could get them to pull up their pants.
Z is for zoo (a.k.a. DC): where the politicians live.